Holiday Humor

As things go from bad to worse, here is a joke is from the Robert Anton Wilson website, which I found thanks to reader Tom Tom:

From: hondalover11279
To: Aaron Leitch

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza
Hut. May I have your national ID
number?

Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an
order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first,
sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah,
hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. Smith. I see you
live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the
phone number is 494-2366. Your office
number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-
2302 and your cell number is 266-2566.
Email address is smith@home.net Which
number are you calling from?

Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you
get all this information?

Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We're wired into the Homeland
Security System, sir. This will add only
15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to
order a couple of your All Meat
Special pizzas.

Operator: I don't think that's a good
idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and
commode sensors indicate that you've got
very high blood pressure and extremely
high cholesterol. Your National Health
Care provider won't allow such an
unhealthy choice .

Customer: What?!?! What do you
recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat
Soybean Pizza.I'm sure you'll like
it.

Customer: What makes you think I'd like
something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet
Soybean Recipes' from your local library
last week, sir. That's why I made the
suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me
two family-sized ones, then

Operator: That should be plenty for you,
your wife and your four kids.
Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir.
Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card
number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid
you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit
card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and
get some cash before your driver gets
here.

Operator: That won't work either, sir.
Your checking account is overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the
pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How
long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind,
sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If
you're in a hurry you might want to
pick'em up while you're out getting the
cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a
motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a
scooter?

Operator: It says here you're in arrears
on your car payments, so your
car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid
for and you just filled the tank
yesterday.

Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I'd advise watching your
language, sir. You've already got a
July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out
a cop and another one I see here in
September for contempt at your hearing
for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see
here that you just got out from a 90 day
stay in the State Correctional Facility.
Is this your first pizza since your
return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else,
sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a
free 2 liter of Coke.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's
exclusionary clause prevents us from
offering free soda to diabetics. The New
Constitution our country started using
in 2006 prohibits this.
Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!